"I hate this." "Yeah. This is going to be unpleasant."

Another 30 Rock quote, another life truth. Living with an abusive alcoholic was unpleasant; living on my own for the first time in a while is unpleasant in entirely different ways. I've recently realized, in an it-hit-me-like-a-ton-of-bricks way, that I'm codependent. No other single word better covers my history of relationships than that one. I've always used a relationship as a substitute for living my life. I've always used time with another person--either time spent physically with them or mentally obsessing over them--as a substitute for time spent on myself. Now, I'm consciously making active choices every day to be healthy and to take care of myself. There's no quick fix for it, though. Sometimes, the only way through it is through it. Hence, the 30 Rock quote.

The Power of Confidence

I'm taking care of myself, standing up for myself, and being more confident. I'm already seeing a difference in the kind of people I attract, and in how people respond to me. I need to keep this up to really see the change it makes.

Jumpstarting Life

Very recently, I've started making healthy choices. This is something I haven't practiced before. I finally went to the gym--where I've been a member for a year--and, as I walked out after my first workout, I stepped into the intense sunlight and thought, "Wow. I am truly entering a new world." Entering a world in which people take care of themselves. I've removed an extremely poisonous person from my life--someone who I'd let be my life for the past 5 or 6 months. In his place, I'm pulling healthy people into my life. A lot of these are my CASA friends. Becoming a CASA in and of itself is a step on my road to health. I've started going to Al-Anon meetings, and I'm attending daily. I'm reading Al-Anon literature. I'm applying to many jobs so that I will have options and can actually choose a position that is healthy for me this year. And I've left the strangling grip of Teach for America behind.

For a few weeks now, I've been seeing a LCSW who specializes in counseling victims of domestic violence. She's one of the most positive, upbeat people I've ever met, and I asked her if it came naturally or if she had to work at it. Growing up with an alcoholic father and a bipolar sister, it was definitely something she had to work at. She said that for years, she didn't see any happiness or point in life. She worked retail for 20 years and hated it. At age 50, she went to school for social work, and she now loves her job and her life. She has told me a few times now that I have been given a gift. That point's starting to sink in. I have been given such a wonderful opportunity--an opportunity to design my life however I want it to be. Or, as one of my fabulous, compassionate, and strong CASA friends says, an opportunity to jumpstart my life.

Important to Keep in Mind

Things, people, relationships--all of it--only have the value that you ascribe to them.

Therein Lies the Problem

Qualities I'm drawn to fiercely in guys: immaturity, emotional unavailability, often physical unavailability as well, not having one's own shit together, flakiness disguised as adventurousness.

Qualities I fiercely hate: all of the above.

Qualities I'm most likely so drawn to because they are my qualities too: all of the above.

Reasons I want to move back to Europe/become European

better healthcare

no gun craziness

no open container law

super easy international travel

more liberal society

crazy awesome ethnic foods

sweet public transit

accents

multiple languages for your kids to be brought up in

more exercise/walking around/walkable cities

better social services (i.e., counseling, crisis centers)

ridiculously cheaper higher education

the ability to dress like a slut without being labeled a slut

regarding family back in the states: absence makes the heart grow fonder

richer history

In defense of disturbed souls

I trust people who have experiences and are a bit messed up from them more than I trust people who are normal but don't have experiences or stories to tell.