Expectations vs. Standards

I've been doing a lot of emotional work lately with regard to relationships...which of course ultimately comes down to doing a lot of emotional work within myself. A lot. More than I've done in years. And it's been hell, but clearly so very necessary.

Any reputable person will tell you not to settle for--or even put up with--someone who isn't worth your time. Any reputable person will tell you to believe that you are deserving of good things and good people who treat you well, and to only pursue those things and people that make you better. However, any reputable person will also be the first to tell you that you cannot place expectations on other people; that you can expect things only from yourself. This seeming hypocrisy is something I've struggled with for as long as I've held conscious thoughts.

How can you demand the best without being demanding? How can you go out in the world--and into your relationships--believing that you deserve good things, but without carrying around a sense of entitlement?

I think this is where it's critical to recognize the difference between having expectations and having standards. For example:

You can't expect a person you are dating/married to/whatever to act in any certain way and not act in certain other ways. You can, however, make a rule for yourself stipulating that you will not have, as a partner, someone who cheats, lies, steals, wears stripes with polka-dots, etc.

You can’t expect anyone but you to make you happy. But you can have a standard for yourself that says, “if person x in my life is behaving in a way that I find upsetting or disappointing or [insert some other negative adjective here], then it is my responsibility to myself to evaluate the relationship and decide whether or not I want to keep person x in my life.”

Personal responsibility--it's something that I have to remind myself of again and again. But I've found it's been the times when I've expected (consciously or unconsciously) someone or something outside of myself to make me feel a given way--well, those are the times when I've experienced the hardest knocks.